What's the Story, Morning Rory?
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: Lorelai and Rory return from their backpacking tour of Europe to discover their town, their friends, and even their very selves to be quite different from when they left. Rated T for Teen Pregnancy and MILF Pregnancy related themes.
1. Chapter 1

As the airport taxi van pulls out of their driveway, Lorelai and Rory stand breathlessly looking at their overly large house, utterly exhausted from their two month backpacking tour of Europe. They're both loaded down like British soldiers in the Falklands War. They pause for a minute to catch their breath, both are extremely jetlagged and feeling a bit nauseous for some unknown reason.

Lorelai is a 34-year-old MILF (mom I'd like to fuck), not a total MILF mind you, but a MILF nonetheless, she's tall, auburn haired, slender, and is constantly in snark mode. Every other word out of her mouth is dripping with sarcasm or topped with a cultural reference. She is a single mom to Rory and has recently lost her job as the executive director of a local inn.

Rory is her 18-year-old daughter, she's a head shorter than Lorelai, skinny, and rather plain Jane homey looking. She's soft spoken, subdued, and while not constantly in snark mode like her mother, can still lay it on when the situation calls for it, in addition to supplying the appropriate cultural reference. Her role with her mother is the inverse of what you'd expect, with her being the responsible, studious one and Lorelai being the wild one who needs reigning in. She identifies herself as a "Latina" despite being whiter than a Coldplay concert. She is starting college in a week, majoring in journalism at nearby Yale University.

"Ugh, I feel so bloated and disgusting…" Lorelai utters.

"Me too. Perhaps we shouldn't have had that last plate of meatballs in Rome…" Rory chimes in.

"Or that last pile of fish and chips in London…." Lorelai adds.

"Or that Döner sandwich in Bremen…." Rory points out.

"Ugh, don't remind me. Let's get to bed and unpack in the morning," Lorelai concludes.

They both start marching towards their house, lugging burdensome backpacks and rolling heavy suitcases.

They're almost to their door when they're neighbor, Babette, comes running out of her house.

"You're back! You've come back!" she yells in her raspy voice.

Babette is a short, stout middle-aged woman with platinum blonde hair, which glimmers in the moonlight as she waddles over to her beloved neighbors.

"I thought you'd never come back! Are you okay? Were you abducted by Hitlers? Or Gypsies?" Babette explains, still shouting even though they are right there.

"Nah, just pickpocketed by them in Athens…" Rory casually says.

"Ah you shoulda seen me; I was calling all the consulates in Europe looking for yous two!" Babette screeches in her indefinable accent.

"Why? We told you when we were coming back!" Lorelai questions.

"You said Wednesday, it's Thursday missy!" Babette scolds her.

"Oh right, we forgot to take into account that time darn time difference," Rory remembers, snapping her fingers.

"Well, anyway, how was your trip? Did you meet any of those fine European men with neat mustaches who trail after you, carrying your luggage, hailing taxi cabs, and constantly reminding you how beautiful you are?" Babette eagerly asks.

"Oh boy did we…." Rory mutters, rolling her eyes.

"They were kinda boring, some of them were more effeminate than us," Lorelai explains.

"We did, however, meet some nice Middle Eastern guys though…." Rory starts.

"Let's just say they made up for it, and they were in every country we went to! In excess! Well, except for the Vatican. Who knew Europeans were the worst thing about Europe?" Lorelai rhetorically questions aloud.

Rory has a smug smile on her face at the moment and Babette notices it, immediately becoming suspicious.

"Oh Middle Eastern guys! Give me the details, did they have manly hairy chests and dreamy soft beards?" Babette excitedly asks.

Lorelai, suddenly remembering what happened that night in Magdeburg and then what happened again that night in Paris, flushes bright red at the memory and changes the subject. Rory turns a similar color, blushing at the mere thought of the experience.

"Well, uh we're both very tired; we'll tell you about it some other time, goodnight Babette!" Lorelai hurriedly finishes before grabbing Rory by the arm and dragging her inside the house. Babette looks miffed as she is left in the dust.

Once inside, Lorelai and Rory throw their packs down in the living room in a big sloppy pile.

"Ugh, I feel so bloated; it feels like I ate a football!" Rory groans.

"I feel more bloated than when I was pregnant with you, man we really overdid it with the food…..oh well, you only live once!" Lorelai chirps, happy that she and Rory fulfilled their lifelong promise to each other to backpack across Europe together once she graduated high school.

"Yeah, we did eat a lot, surprised we only gained a few pounds…" Rory ponders, having a sneaking suspicion that jetlag and overeating doesn't quite explain how they're feeling.

"Must be those stubborn Gilmore genes!" Lorelai jokes, though she has a hunch too that there may be some other explanation for how they feel.

They both stop their unpacking and stare at each other for a solid ten seconds in a tight stare down, trying to read each other's thoughts, when suddenly they vomit all over each other. Coughing and gagging, Rory is the first one to talk.

"Aw man, that's the last time I eat Sauer Kraut on an empty stomach!" She manages.

"I think I coughed up a lung…and Al Gore's Florida votes!" Lorelai struggles to utter.

Slowly, solemnly, they both wipe themselves off with paper towels as they make their way to separate bathrooms in the house, Rory going to the downstairs one, Lorelai trudging upstairs.

They lock themselves in the bathrooms and water is heard running, a few minutes pass, all seems returning to normal.

Suddenly the doors of both bathrooms burst open nearly breaking them off their hinges. Mother and daughter fly out of the rooms in a panic, making their way towards the living room. They run into each other's arms there and simultaneously scream, "I'M PREGNANT!"

Commercial break! Naw, I'm just kidding.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, a lethargic Lorelai and Rory sluggishly leave the house, walking into town on foot for a change. Lorelai is dressed in her cowgirl outfit that she wore during Rory's first day at the elite prep school, Chilton; it's her last clean set of clothes in light of the vomiting incident. Rory has been forced to wear her Chilton uniform out of desperation as well. As an afterthought, Rory takes their mail from a box at the end of their driveway.

"Ugh, how could this happen?" Lorelai asks incredulous.

"Well, we weren't exactly careful…" Rory posits.

"How could I make the same mistake twice? Do I ever learn?" Lorelai wonders.

"I resent that, my name is Rory, not mistake and apparently you don't." Rory answers.

"Hey, you're not exactly miss chastity either! You're pregnant too!" Lorelai retorts.

"Well, I said I wanted to be just like you in my valedictory speech and I guess it came true, I should be more careful with what I wish for." Rory concedes.

"I need coffee like I've never needed it before in my life," Lorelai moans.

"Me too. Let's just stay calm, get some coffee, then we'll try and sort this out," Rory plans.

As they walk to their all-time favorite coffee joint and hang out spot, "Luke's Diner," they pass the town troubadour who is uncharacteristically belting out, "Kill the Police" by GG Allin.

"KILL THE POLICE/KILL THE WHOLE FORCE/SMASH THE SYSTEM/DESTROY THE COURTS!" the young man yells into his collar mounted microphone while madly strumming away on his beat up old acoustic guitar. He's rocking out pretty hard for someone wearing a brown corduroy suit.

As Lorelai and Rory walk into Luke's Diner they are shocked to see Kirk running the show from behind the counter, Luke being mysteriously absent.

Kirk is a young man in his twenties who is tall, slim, and rather odd looking. He lives with his mother who retains an iron grip over his life and is known for having a new job every week. He's been an exterminator, a mailman, a cosmetics salesman, and an amateur filmmaker, among other things.

"Kirk? What are you doing running Luke's Diner? Where's Luke?" Lorelai asks, already outraged.

Kirk gives an order to the cook before addressing Lorelai.

"He left me in charge of the diner in his absence, haven't heard from him in a few weeks, guess that cruise he went on with that lady lawyer went well…..that or they got lost in the Bermuda Triangle," Kirk deadpans in his usual monotone.

"Uh, Kirk they went on an Alaskan cruise," Rory reminds him.

"Haven't you tried to get in touch with him?" Lorelai asks, quite hurt at Luke's disappearance.

"He didn't leave any contact information, seemed like he couldn't wait to leave," Kirk replies calmly.

"This is so not like him! How could he do this to me…uh, I mean us!" Lorelai rages, slipping up revealing her omnipresent mutually unrequited crush on Luke.

"Have you heard from anyone else?" Rory asks, acting as the voice of reason.

"Just Jess," Kirk answers as he pours a cup of coffee.

"JESS! What about Jess?" Rory perks up at the mention of her former bad boy love interest who looks like Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and recently dropped out of high school and ran away from home.

"Well, I didn't really hear from him, more about him. Seems he drove his father's car into a crowd of tourists on a California boardwalk while yelling Allahu Akbar," Kirk reports.

Rory and Lorelai both blush furiously at mention of the phrase "Allahu Akbar," because it reminds them of their trip to Europe. They look at the floor and rub their arms trying to seem nonchalant.

"I always knew that boy was accident prone," Lorelai spits.

"It wasn't an accident, people died," Kirk drolls.

"Guess he really liked that book I got him in Marseilles…." Rory trails off.

"Kirk, just get us two coffees, we'll be in our usual spot," Lorelai informs him, as she pulls Rory to a nearby table where they both take their usual seats.

"Great, can't wait to see what else has changed since we left. Maybe my mother finally got a soul and became an affable person," Lorelai grunts.

Kirk arrives with the coffee, and they both sit there sipping in silent contemplation.

As she sips, Rory reads through the mail she pulled from the box earlier. She comes across a postcard addressed to her from her best friend, Lane Kim, who took a trip to Korea that summer with her extremely strict Christian fundamentalist mother. Lane always begrudgingly deferred to her mother, but being a punk rock music enthusiast, she perpetually dreamt of the freedom to do what she wanted, indulge in Western delights, and live a life without curfews, restrictions, and her mother's xenophobic view of non-Koreans.

The postcard reads:

"Dear Yankee Scum Rory Gilmore,

This is the last you will ever hear from me. I have defected to North Korea and am happier than ever serving his greatness Kim Jong Un. Thankfully while on this trip to Korea with my evil mother, we were walking along the DMZ (demilitarized zone) and she stepped on a landmine left over from the Fatherland Liberation War. My North Korean saviors immediately swooped in to rescue me as I lay injured and trapped in the minefield. They are my family now. I will die for them! I've realized how stupid all music is except for North Korean final victory songs and I am no longer interested in Christianity. Christ is fake; his majesty Kim Jong Un is REAL. Anyway, in conclusion, I would like to say death to America and may your skin melt from your face in great gobs during the coming nuclear war, thanks for nothing.

Lane Kim"

Rory spits out her coffee in shock and disgust, showering it all over Lorelai.

"Yaahhhh!" Lorelai jumps up from the table screeching, swatting at the rapidly forming stains on her pink shirt.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, but Lane has defected to North Korea! And her mother got killed by a landmine!" Rory yelps, wiping her brow in worriment.

Angrily, Lorelai wipes herself off with a napkin and takes her seat again, propping her head up with her hands.

"Eh, North Korea, Christian college….same thing," Lorelai gripes, still kind of out of it due to Luke's disappearance. Anytime she had a problem, no matter what it was, Luke always helped her out, now what's she gonna do?

"That means I officially have no friends again," Rory complains, smacking a hand against the table.

"Hey, I thought I was your best friend!" Lorelai protests.

"You certainly were a good girlfriend in Vienna, holding my hair back after I had too many schnapps," Rory gushes, remembering the incident.

"Ah Vienna, good times…." Lorelai reminisces as she leans back in her chair.

The next postcard Rory inspects is from her frienemy and former Chilton classmate, Paris Gellar. She still can't believe Paris's obsessive, borderline insane dedication to school work and volunteer work didn't net her a spot at Harvard, you know, despite her rampant, unmitigated megalomania. She also can't get over that Paris actually had sex with Jamie, but then again, she shouldn't talk, not now, in the post-Magdeburg world she's living in.

At any rate, the postcard reads:

"Dear Rory,

Hey, it's Paris! Hope you're having fun in Europe. You know, I'm starting to think it's good I didn't get into Harvard. I've gotten into another arena where a hyper intelligent, strong, empowered young woman like myself can make six figures right off the bat and reach a large audience. I'm working in the adult film industry. My director says I've got natural talent. Fucking is pretty standard fare. Most guys sound like total bitches when they cum. Sucking cock really isn't a big deal, I sometimes struggle with the double penetration scenes, but….."

Rory tears herself away from the postcard, unable to read another word, profoundly shocked by this, perhaps even more-so than her and Lorelai's dual pregnancies or Lane's defection to North Korea.

"Ps I still hate you." She catches as she glances back at the postcard.

"I can't believe this! Paris became a porn star!" she screeches in utter disbelief, so loud the entirety of Luke's Diner turns and stares at her.

Kirk thinks for a moment, then nods to himself, upon remembering seeing Paris on a website he frequents.

"Hey don't judge her! You could pass for one yourself!" Lorelai reminds her.

"Real mature, and you couldn't?" Rory fires back.

"Well, at least I know that's one thing you inherited from me!" Lorelai answers.

They both fall silent and stare down at the table, Lorelai imagining where Luke could possibly be, Rory wondering how a girl who was chosen along with her to intern for Congress in Washington D.C. is now earning her living get ram jammed in the back of a moving passenger van for the entire world to see.

"Who do you think the fathers are?" Rory asks breaking the silence.

"Hmmm, I think one of them was named Mohammad, but I don't know it was hard to hear with all the screaming going on," Lorelai responds, rubbing her chin in thought.

"Mohammad? Great! That's only the most common name on the planet!" Rory whines loudly, again drawing many stares from around the restaurant.

"Shhh, honey it's okay, let's not worry about that now. We're pregnant and as long as you don't go all Andrea Yates on me, things will be fine. We should talk to someone who has done this before," Lorelai lectures.

"How about you? This is your second time around, right?" Rory posits, pointing a finger at her.

"Honey, I was sixteen the first time around, and I didn't have any support….though the circumstances of conception were similar…" Lorelai explains.

"Not exactly immaculate," Rory snarks.

"Yeah, like yours is a virginal pregnancy, Mary," Lorelai stings, using Rory's nickname when she first started at Chilton.

The snark off over, they get down to business.

"So Sookie then?" Rory asks.

"Yeah, great idea honey. She's a responsible person, who got pregnant under normal circumstances, she'll have some ideas for sure," Lorelai agrees.

"It's settled then, off to Sookie's," Rory announces.

They both get up and leave the diner without paying, Kirk would call them out on it, but he is in the backroom watching an online video featuring Paris.


	3. Chapter 3

Sookie is Lorelai's former co-worker at the inn. She was the head chef, she's around Lorelai's age and both short and pudgy. She's easily excitable and obsessed with food (did that need to be said?). She's married to Jackson, a fruit vendor whom she met at work. Jackson is tall and goofy, Sookie made him shave off his lumberjack beard when they got married.

However, just as the Gilmore girls walk around town to Sookie's house, Rory spots her ex-boyfriend Dean sitting in front of a giant McMansion. Dean is Rory's age and could be mistaken for Columbine High School killer Dylan Klebold's older brother. He's over 6 feet tall and sports that '90s center part haircut that every guy seemed to have back then (ex: Leon Kennedy in Resident Evil 2). Dean is the guy who was cucked by Rory when she became infatuated with bad body Boston Bomber Jess. But that's all in the past now.

"Hey Rory, how was Europe?" Dean greets her, being the friendly guy that he is.

"Hey Dean, it was great! It was unforgettable really. A lot more…uh…."ethnic" then I imagined it," Rory trails off, noticing the giant house Dean is sitting on the steps of, almost seeming like he owns it.

"Uh, whose house is this? Lindsay's parents?" Rory questions, she was previously very concerned that Dean and her former public school classmate Lindsay getting married so young would spell a lifetime of poverty for them (ironically forgetting that 70% of single mom households like hers are in poverty).

"It's mine and Lindsay's actually. Pretty sweet huh?" Dean informs her, smiling a big goofy "I told ya so" grin.

"Wow, Dean, how can you afford it? Was Kirk your loan officer?" Rory inquires, incredulous.

"Nah, didn't ya hear? I got an acting gig playing Columbine High School killer Dylan Klebold on the TV show, Zero Hour. Due in part to both of us having similar haircuts," Dean explains, trying not to laugh.

"Dean, you know I'd say I'm shocked, but it seems the world turned upside down while we were in Europe….," Rory casually says.

In the meantime, Lorelai has been desperately calling Luke on his cell phone and paging him over and over, getting more desperate each time, finally giving up whilst on the verge of tears.

Rory notices that her mother is about to break down and rushes to comfort her.

"Later Dean, good luck with the show!" Rory shouts as she skips off, waving to him as she goes. As a fleeting thought she remembers how the Columbine killers committed suicide and wonders if Dean will be signed for more than one episode in light of this fact.

Rory catches up with her mother and comforts the sobbing woman, embracing her.

"I couldn't get him on his phone or his pager, he must be ignoring me," Lorelai whines, apparently thinking Luke has nothing better to do then tend to her needs.

"Uh, mom, he's a grown man, he's not yours, he is not your husband or boyfriend, he can do what he wants and has no right to inform you," Rory explains to her.

"And that's legal?" Lorelai yells.

"Afraid so," Rory confirms.

"Damn, George Bush!" Lorelai rages, shaking a fist high in the air.

At last, they reach Sookie's house. They find her sitting on the front steps of her normal, middle class Connecticut home, looking extremely forlorn, her head propped up in her hands.

"Hey Sookie!" Lorelai shouts to her.

"Oh, hey you two, how was Europe?" Sookie mutters lowly.

"Funny you should ask we're actually here to talk to you about just that!" Lorelai jokes. After a moment, she finally notices Sookie's terminally dismal mood.

"Sookie, what's wrong? You're not your happy, cheery self," Lorelai prys.

"Jackson left!" Sookie cries.

"What happened?" Lorelai hollers in surprise. Rory shakes her head; nothing can surprise her anymore today.

"Well the baby was born," Sookie continues.

"I thought he wanted 4 in 4 years?" Lorelai is flabbergasted.

"IT CAME OUT BROWN!" Sookie screams.

Even Rory is surprised at this one.

"How is that possible? Are you sure it just wasn't dirty?" Lorelai tries to lighten the atmosphere.

"No, it's Michel's," Sookie admits.

Rory facepalms as Lorelai nearly has a brain aneurysm over the fact that her seemingly gay, highly effeminate French co-worker got Sookie pregnant.

"We were alone one night at the inn, cleaning up after a wedding, there was a bunch of alcohol left over, we started drinking, next thing you know…." Sookie enlightens them to the story.

"But….but I thought Michel was gay!" Lorelai questions herself, Sookie, and reality.

"So did I!" Sookie concedes, shaking her head.

"No….no….that's not true! That's impossible!" Lorelai screams louder and louder, starting to have a complete mental breakdown.

Although she is horribly taken aback as well, Rory steps in, restrains Lorelai, and drags her off to their house as Lorelai continues to lose her shit.

"We're having brown babies too by the way!" Rory shouts over her shoulder to Sookie as she corrals Lorelai down the sidewalk in the direction of their home.

(Insert some establishing shots of Lorelai's house during the day, then Lorelai's parents mansion at night, accompanied by the ubiquitous "la la la" theme here).

Later that same day, inside the mansion of Emily and Richard Gilmore (Lorelai's parents), Rory, Lorelai, Emily and Richard all sit around an extravagantly set dining room table, chowing down on an expensive meal, as per their usual Friday night ritual. Richard is a Herman Munster-esque man who is an insurance salesman (insurance, boo!). He thinks the world of Rory while he is often embarrassed by Lorelai. Emily could play Hillary Clinton in a movie (in both mind and fashion sense) and is endlessly snobby, elitist, and hypercritical. She too, thinks the world of Rory, and is even more-so hostile and critical towards Lorelai.

Across the table, Rory and Lorelai nod at each other, the time has come for them to announce the news.

"Mom, dad, we have an announcement!" Lorelai declares. Everyone stops what they're doing and stares at her, giving her their full attention.

Rory reaches across the table and holds her mother's hand as they break the news.

"We're pregnant!" Lorelai merrily announces.

Emily and Richard are so stunned they can barely manage a word.

"Again?" Emily hisses, utterly bewildered, but secretly joyous that her negative views of Lorelai are again, confirmed.

"And Rory, you too?" Richard asks in his deep baritone voice.

"Yep, we both are," Rory confirms, a little more casually and happily than was appropriate.

Immediately, both Richard and Emily start spasming in their seats and nearly falling backward in their chairs. They moan and groan like they're Cohaagen at the end of Total Recall. They're both having heart attacks on the spot, they expected this of Lorelai, but to hear Rory is pregnant too, has completely and irretrievably shattered their reality.

Lorelai and Rory jump up from their seats and try to comfort them, attempting to hold their flailing arms as they continue to have a full body freak out.

"They're having heart attacks, what should we do?" Rory cries over their incessant groaning.

Lorelai stares up at the fancy, crystal laden chandelier above their heads.

"Where are you Luke?" she asks pathetically into the ether.

In a galaxy far, far away, Luke emerges from a dome shaped hut on an isolated moisture farm and stands tall upon a small sand dune. Aside from wearing the garb of a moisture farmer, he's the same old Luke. He's even still wearing his trademark backwards baseball cap. He itches the stubble from his five o'clock shadow as he looks up at the twin suns above him as they gradually set below the desert horizon.

As the ever-present, always appropriate "la la la" theme reaches its crescendo yet again, the scene fades to black.


End file.
